One If by Clam, Two If by Sea

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"One If by Clam, Two If by Sea"
Family Guy episode
Episode no. Season 3
Episode 4
Directed by Dan Povenmire
Written by Jim Bernstein and Michael Shipley
Production code 2ACX19
Original air date August 1, 2001 (2001-08-01)
Guest appearance(s)
Episode chronology
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Family Guy (season 3)
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"One If by Clam, Two If by Sea" is the fourth episode of the third season of the animated comedy series Family Guy, another episode produced for Season 2. It originally aired on Fox on August 1, 2001. The plot features The Drunken Clam, a tavern, being nearly destroyed by a hurricane, and then bought by a group of wealthy Englishmen who turn the bar into a dignified establishment. Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire then attempt to bring back the Drunken Clam, and send the new owner back to the United Kingdom.

The episode was written by Jim Bernstein and Michael Shipley and directed by Dan Povenmire. The episode featured guest performances by Ed Asner, Tara Strong, Hugh Laurie and Alan Shearman, along with several recurring guest voice actors for the series.


A hurricane strikes Quahog. Though The Drunken Clam was undamaged, the bar's owner Horace sells it and leaves for Florida. A British man named Nigel Pinchley turns it into a stereotypically British pub. Upset over the loss of their favorite bar and failing to find another one, Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe try to start their own American revolution at the pub by harassing its staff and patrons. However, the British convince them to leave. Peter and his friends storm a British ship, throwing out its beer like the Boston Tea Party.

That night, the pub mysteriously burns down and Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe are thrown in jail due to an anonymous tip. Steve Bellows, a criminal Joe arrested, plans to kill him and the others at midnight on Saturday. Lois, Loretta, and Bonnie are unable to believe their husbands and Quagmire would burn down the pub. They subsequently discover that Nigel had taken out a large insurance policy the day before the pub burned down and immediately become suspicious. Knowing Nigel is strongly attracted to her, Lois plans to trick Nigel into confessing. Although it was not witnessed by Bonnie and Loretta, Nigel's insurance agent was in his closet and overheard everything.

Meanwhile, Stewie tries to teach Eliza, Nigel's daughter, to overcome her "common" Cockney accent and speak "proper" English. He bets Brian that she will be a proper lady at her birthday party. After several sessions, Stewie manages to teach Eliza how to speak "properly". In the party, Eliza does, until she wets herself in front of everybody, slipping back to her Cockney accent and making Stewie lose the bet.

On the night Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland are supposed to be killed by Steve, they are freed by Lois, Bonnie and Loretta before he could arrive. The men and their wives celebrate their success at The Drunken Clam, which Horace has bought back and returned to normal. Lois states that she hopes that Nigel is punished, and he is hanged at the Tower of London while Eliza gets sent to an orphanage. She sends Stewie a letter threatening to kill Lois if she gets out, much to his amusement.


Dan Povenmire directed the episode.

The episode was written by Jim Bernstein and Michael Shipley, and directed by series regular Dan Povenmire before the conclusion of the third production season.

In addition to the regular cast, actor Ed Asner, actress Tara Strong, actor Hugh Laurie and actor Alan Shearman guest starred in the episode. Recurring guest voice actress Lori Alan, voice actor Johnny Brennan, writer Danny Smith and actress Jennifer Tilly also made minor appearances.

Cultural references

Stewie's giving lessons to Eliza to combat her Cockney accent is a direct reference to the musical and film My Fair Lady, in which the girl in question is also named Eliza. Also, Seth MacFarlane based Stewie's voice on that of Rex Harrison in the musical.[1][2] A hypothetical arthouse film, I Remember Cecil, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, depicts what would happen if there were no more action films. A cutaway to Peter's only defeat shows him as the "green guy" within the film Tron. While in jail, Peter, Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland perform a Chicago-style dance number. Demond Wilson from Sanford and Son surprises Lois when she thinks nobody is around. Stewie calls Brian "Dogbert" in reference to the comic series Dilbert.


  1. ^ Dean, John (November 1, 2008). "Seth MacFarlane's $2 Billion Family Guy Empire". Fox Business. Archived from the original on 2010-09-23. Retrieved August 24, 2009. 
  2. ^ Franklin, Nancy (January 16, 2006). "American Idiots". The New Yorker. 
  • S. Callaghan, “One If by Clam, Two If by Sea.” Family Guy: The Official Episode Guide Seasons 1–3. New York: HarperCollins, 2005. 140–143.

External links

  • "One If by Clam, Two If by Sea" on IMDb
  • "One If by Clam, Two If by Sea" at
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